Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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