Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
