Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
