It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
