why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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