She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
