I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
