My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
