Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
