I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
