beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
