saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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