he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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