i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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