I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
