i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
