ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
