I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
