You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
