My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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