wakey wakey hands off snakey
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
