Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
