Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
