All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
