Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
