I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
