were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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