OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
