my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
