Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
