ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
