We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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