you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
