your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
