Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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