god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you traded sex for a burrito?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
