he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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