Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
