It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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