Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
