GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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