He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
