I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
