I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
