I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
