he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
