Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
