I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
