i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
