My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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