How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
